Have you ever been scolded in public by another adult about being an irresponsible parent? I just was, and I have a few conflicting emotions running around in my head right now. First of all I am really embarrassed. Second, I’m a little angry. And lastly, I feel misunderstood. Let me set the scene for you.
I was picking up Ella from a friends house and pulled up into the driveway. I had the other three kids with me and knew that if I brought them all in it would cause a scene, and that Ella may never be invited over to this new friends house again. So, I left them in the car…..with it running (it’s 98 degrees outside so I wanted the air to be on). My plan is to ring the doorbell, say hello, gather Ella and be off. When the mother of the friend answered the door, the dog came running up and she obviously wanted to shut the door to keep it inside. This being the first time I had been to their house, I decided to step in quickly to not let the dog escape. Well, of course Ella did not want to leave and was taking FOREVER to pick up the game pieces, put on her shoes, and gather her backpack.
Just as I am about to turn around and open the door to leave we hear a knock. I thought it might be Jack (my worrier) wondering what was taking more than just a minute. NOPE, it was the neighbor from across the street with a very condescending look on her face holding up my keys. It took me a moment to figure out what was going on. She proceeded to say something like this, “They were climbing around, unbuckled and turning on the windshield wipers. I have actually seen kids drive cars across the street and crash. IT IS VERY DANGEROUS TO LEAVE KIDS IN A RUNNING CAR. (She said this part in a scolding tone with disgust on her face…hence the all caps).” I think I then mumbled something like, “Oh, uh, I’m sorry”. I seriously felt like I was in the third grade.
So, now that the shaking has almost subsided I’m trying to sort out how I really feel. OF COURSE she is right. It is not smart to leave the kids unattended in the car….even in the driveway. So, that makes me feel embarrassed and remorseful. Then my pride kicks in and says, “she doesn’t know the whole story and that it wasn’t my intention.” So, then I feel a little defensive and wanting to say something like, “you don’t know me, don’t judge me.” (very Jerry Springer…I know). If this was some random person I would probably get over it quicker, but she looks a little familiar and I think her kids go to the same school as mine. It is a small little charter school, and I’m sure I will be seeing her again.
This all being said, I’m looking for a little advice, validation, compassion, etc. Have you ever done anything like that? Do you ever feel misunderstood and judged? Am I crazy? Do you have any suggestions on what to do about the imminent encounter with this woman again? I’d love to hear ANY thoughts you have on the subject. I just had to get it out there so I could fee like I was doing something about it. Thanks for enduring my vent!!
I was picking up Ella from a friends house and pulled up into the driveway. I had the other three kids with me and knew that if I brought them all in it would cause a scene, and that Ella may never be invited over to this new friends house again. So, I left them in the car…..with it running (it’s 98 degrees outside so I wanted the air to be on). My plan is to ring the doorbell, say hello, gather Ella and be off. When the mother of the friend answered the door, the dog came running up and she obviously wanted to shut the door to keep it inside. This being the first time I had been to their house, I decided to step in quickly to not let the dog escape. Well, of course Ella did not want to leave and was taking FOREVER to pick up the game pieces, put on her shoes, and gather her backpack.
Just as I am about to turn around and open the door to leave we hear a knock. I thought it might be Jack (my worrier) wondering what was taking more than just a minute. NOPE, it was the neighbor from across the street with a very condescending look on her face holding up my keys. It took me a moment to figure out what was going on. She proceeded to say something like this, “They were climbing around, unbuckled and turning on the windshield wipers. I have actually seen kids drive cars across the street and crash. IT IS VERY DANGEROUS TO LEAVE KIDS IN A RUNNING CAR. (She said this part in a scolding tone with disgust on her face…hence the all caps).” I think I then mumbled something like, “Oh, uh, I’m sorry”. I seriously felt like I was in the third grade.
So, now that the shaking has almost subsided I’m trying to sort out how I really feel. OF COURSE she is right. It is not smart to leave the kids unattended in the car….even in the driveway. So, that makes me feel embarrassed and remorseful. Then my pride kicks in and says, “she doesn’t know the whole story and that it wasn’t my intention.” So, then I feel a little defensive and wanting to say something like, “you don’t know me, don’t judge me.” (very Jerry Springer…I know). If this was some random person I would probably get over it quicker, but she looks a little familiar and I think her kids go to the same school as mine. It is a small little charter school, and I’m sure I will be seeing her again.
This all being said, I’m looking for a little advice, validation, compassion, etc. Have you ever done anything like that? Do you ever feel misunderstood and judged? Am I crazy? Do you have any suggestions on what to do about the imminent encounter with this woman again? I’d love to hear ANY thoughts you have on the subject. I just had to get it out there so I could fee like I was doing something about it. Thanks for enduring my vent!!
17 comments:
To start off with, your pictures are hysterical.
Secondly, I have been brainstorming a post for a few days on the topic of "things you never thought you'd do- and now do quite regularly". I don't think until you have multiple small children you can understand the choices a mom makes every day. I think it was the better of two evils to leave your kids in the car. I do it all the time...although a few kids ago I wouldn't have considered it.
Did that lady think leaving them in there without the car running when she brought you the keys was wiser? I am so sorry. I can feel your frustration.
I think the only just punishment would be to have your children taken away for a day.......they will be given to the "busy body lady" who must run errands with them all in the car for 10 hours. At which time she can return them to you along with an apology.
First of all, who does that?! My jaw dropped when I read that she was at the door with keys in hand. It's one of those situations where you think of the perfect thing to say in return...hours later. You totally did the right thing, and the good girl in me would tell you that if you ever see her again, act like it's the first time you're meeting each other because if she knew you--she would love you. No question. I tell you this only because it's something I have the hardest time with and I know my life would be less stressful if I could just move on. So sorry it even happened....
Laughing so hard at your pictures and so impressed that you thought to do this. Personally, I think its ridiculous and that more people should mind thier own business.
Hollie left her 6 year old in the car at Albertsons watching a movie and when she came out from grocery shopping there were two cops waiting for. Some lady in the parking lot called them. So I guess you can feel good about the fact that crazy lady didn't call the cops.
First of all, she just cut the air conditioning off from your kids, so needless to say, she tried to suffocate them...so she's not perfect either. Second of all, don't ever watch Oprah, that show just scares Moms into being all freaky like that woman.
I couldn't imagine living next to such an ANNOYING/NOSY neighbor as that. I feel sorry for her. I do that all of the time, so I am just as horrible person as you, so don't feel bad. It wasn't like you were at the store! Hopefully you don't see her again. If so, just be so NICE to her, wait, who am I kidding, I would totally ignore her.
I stumbled upon you and I am cracking up that you are number 24601, Jean Valjean. Every mom does dumb stuff. Don't beat yourself up about it.
Hey there's my friend Celia! She's very funny, go check her out.
THose pictures are fabulous.
I HATE when people get in my parenting business. I am pretty casual, so I get it often: not having coats, leaving kids in car as I run into the post office, having kids not buckled in shopping carts. (Go read my Parenting Musing post and see how I feel about all that).
You just keep telling yourself that you feel good about how you parent--hello: the They Notice post--and that they are healthy, happy kids and it doesn't matter what she thinks!
I agree with Marcie that this lady should have to run errands with your kids for a few hours and see what decisions she would make. Honestly, who actually would take 3 of their kids out of the car to pick up 1? I'd really like to know this ladies circumstances. Has she ever had kids and if so how many? I just did this same thing today when I was dropping Crew's friend off at his house after school. I came back to the car minutes later with my boys unbuckled and playing in the back of the car. I was gone for 2 minutes tops. I just luckily didn't have a psycho lady watching my every move. Nobody worries about our decisions and well being of our kids more than us mommies. We're just all trying to survive. It's stuff like this that drives me crazy for days. I just set there and think of all the things I wish I would have said. Actually, knowing me I probably would have laid into her. You're such a better person. Seriously, how many things do we all do that we thought we wouldn't? I remember when Romey was a baby I thought my neighbor was so horrible for leaving her baby sleeping in the house while walked across the street with her other little girl to play at the park. Wow, how things change.
I can't be upset with that lady. If she were the one writing the post I think we would all be agreeing whole heartedly with her. Our best intentions and our everyday actions don't always match up and I think we can all relate to that. DCFS would have a field day with some of the positions I've left my kids in! Take what lessons there are to be learned from this and move on. You love your kids like noone else ever could. Just be the best you and run with it - it's not worth any more energy than you've already spent on it.
Sorry about your crappy day. Parenting is 100% harder than I ever thought it would be! Onward and upward . . .
jodi
I had an experience a few months prior to moving from Louisville. Sophie had neighbor friends that lived accross the street and would play EVERY day. They had a 5 year old boy that Tyler liked to play with. Everytime they came to get Sophie, Tyler wanted to play too. I tried to encourage them to play in the back yard where Ty could be fenced in, but they didn't want to do that all of the time. So, rather than deal with a fight with Tyler all the time, I began getting a little more relaxed and would let him play out front with the kids and I would check on him periodically (we lived toward the end of the street, so it wasn't a busy road). I knew it wasn't the wisest thing to do, but it was unrealistic for me to sit out front all day watching him play.
Well, I was cooking in my kitchen and began to walk to the door to check on Tyler when Sophie came running up and said a lady wanted to talk to me. I happened to be chewing a tortilla chip which made it worse.
The lady came up to me looking disgusted and in a condescending tone said, "he was by the street. You watch him."
I had the same feelings as you-embarrassed because I knew better, bugged because she didn't know the situation, I got all shakey and upset for days after.
All in all though, I knew she was right. He was THREE! The chances are nothing would happen, but if something DID happen I would never forgive myself.
I actually had to take it as a good lesson learned and now I am much more cautious with Ty. I am the mom, and I know what is best for him, even if it does cause a fight.
I am sorry you had to experience that. I know how aweful it makes you feel. I totally love the creativity of your pics and your shirt-wink! You will be able to forget about it soon, but I have to say I have a sick stomach just writing about my experience. Yuck!
My wife wanted me to read your post, and now I have to make a comment. I was the kid in the car. I was left unattended when I was, oh, probably 4, and got into our green Ford pick-up truck, sat in the driver's seat, and took it our of park. The truck rolled down the driveway, back then it seemed like I was going about 50 mph, but later tests would show 2.3 mph. It crossed the street, we lived on a dead end, and into the neighbor's driveway across the street. Then I think it rolled back until it finally came to rest somewhere in between the two. I don't remember anything after that. That could be because my parent's beat me, or it could be that I was just young enough to only remember the highlights of danger that comprised my childhood. But I decided then and there that I would do two things when I have children. First, always park my car on the grass so that there is no chance of a child getting in and it rolling down the driveway. Second, put my wife's car on blocks. Also, we have found that putting our couch and other furniture on the front porch or lawn allows us to watch our children. Hopefully this advice prevents any further confrontations with angry neighbors.
Hey, there's Julie, my Witch Switch partner! HI JULIE! (wave, wave, wave) Anyway:
1)Your inmate pictures are so funny!
2) I was with a certain friend-who-will-remain-nameless (wendi aka dancin queen) at Cafe Rio when a guy scolded her very loudly w/ the exact same condescending look on his face about allowing her little one to roam. "He could've just walked right out the door...blah blah blah" our other friend shouted him down right there in front of everyone and gave him the what-for! It was great! And that's what snide people deserve! They can make their same (self-righteous) concerns known in a much kinder way, but they are more preoccupied with being sanctimonious. Harumph!
3) We've ALL left kids in the car, and if someone says they haven't--they're lying.
4) I just left my kids in the car today. Feel better? :D
Should you have left your kids in the car like that for more than a quick run to the door, well, probably not, you know that, you said that.
On the other hand, if she was truly concerned about your children, she would have left the car running with the A/C on, stayed there and kept an eye on them until you returned. She's just one of those people who need to put others down to feel good about themselves. So don't dwell on it. None of us are perfect. I've left my kids in the car when I felt there wasn't a better option. I'm more worried about kidnappers (see my blog on that... http://cougarfam.blogspot.com ) than my kids rolling the car though, so I hadn't thought of that, so I always lock the doors. Of course if the car rolled it would make it extremely hard to get back in. (See no mom knows everything)
Similar story: I had to pick up some clothes that I had tried to sell to Once Upon a Child. I had four large sacks they gave back (I thought they were a little too picky). Anyway, Ella had fallen asleep while in the store and Lindsay doesn't stay with me while crossing the street, so I wasn't sure how I would get the bags to my car without dropping Ella or having Lindsay run over, so I shoved the bags over to the entrance of the store with my foot, and then I buckled the girls in their carseats and shut all the doors and locked them with the exception of the rear window that I left down so they wouldn't get hot. The car was directly across the driveway from the store, so I bolted across the street and grabbed two of the bags and ran back to the car. When I got back (about fifteen or twenty seconds later) two women who had been walking by my car when I left asked "Is that your car" in a very condescending tone. I said "Yes, and I know I left my children in it, but I locked the doors and I only went across the street." Well, they clicked their tongues, and shook their heads disapprovingly, and left. The point is no one knows how hard you try to be a good mom, and when you mess up no one feels worse than you. So unless they have KIND advice they should just keep it to themselves.
One other quick story, my mom left my sister and I in a running truck once on a hill. Lets just say that it's a good thing there was a speedy man nearby, because there was construction at the bottom of the hill.
in front of a house?!?!?!?! kara, you are ok. to take all of your kids out of the car to pick up one child AT A HOUSE is just silly. you did nothing wrong!
i'm thinking that this sweet woman, (who, lets be honest was looking out for the well-being of your children no matter how inappropriate that may have been in this situaltion) either doesn't go to church or missed the lesson on not being judgmental. i learned that lesson quite a few years ago and i have to say, i am much happier when i'm not worried about what everyone else is doing. that being said, if i see your children sitting in a grocery store parking lot i will wait with them and scold the heck out of you when you get back. :) hahahaha!
i hope you are feeling better about this today. i know how a situation like this can make a person feel. :)
I think if anything, the lady should feel embarassed for butting in to YOUR business. She has no right to tell you what to do with you children. I leave my kid in the car a lot when I have to just run up to someone's door. Its no big deal, that lady needs to mind her own business..seriously, who in their right mind would scold an adult like that??? geez!
Seriously?! What a wacko lady. I can't believe she would be so judgmental and condescending especially when she is a mother herself! I only have one, but I can already understand that we can't do everything and we're all just doing our best (well, most of us anyway). It's like we're in a club and we have an ongoing initiation. I know you are a WONDERFUL mother! So just let that lady feel good about being a wacko and you can feel good about knowing that you are a good mom and would never put your kids in danger. (Like you were supposed to take all 3 kids up to the door. Puh-lease!)
Kara, I had a lady call the police on me one day. I could see my car the whole time I ran into the drycleaners, saw her look in the window, saw her pull out her cell phone by the time I could run out there. So she handed me the phone and the kind policeman gave me a little reprimand. I feel your pain!
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