I recently learned some news that makes my heart literally ACHE. I am at a loss. One of my dearest friends in all the world (since we were 3) has had an incredible loss. She was married just 18 months after Paul and I and has been trying to have a baby for a decade. Without all the details there have been several miscarriages, and thousands of tears shed. She and her husband recently received news that due to a chromosomal disorder they will not be able to have children.
It was only at this point that they hesitantly decided to entertain the idea of adoption. In a seeming miracle a situation dropped in their lap that they couldn't let pass up. My friend...having suffered greatly throughout this process...was cautiously optimistic. They only told immediate family and a couple of close friends. My friend didn't even buy a car seat or quit her job until the week before the due date because she was so afraid that it wouldn't go through. She quit her job, finally went shopping for some items and then...
The unthinkable happened. The baby was stillborn...one week before the due date.
Even as I type this I cannot stop the flood of tears and emotion that I'm feeling. I find myself asking...crying...WHY?!! WHY?!! WHY?!!
She is of course devastated. I can only imagine her state of mind. I LOVE HER SO SO MUCH. I have no idea what to do or say. This is my dear lifelong friend and I hurt so deeply for her. I wish I could take and suffer even a fraction of her pain for her. Like I said, I'm at a loss...
Friday, April 18, 2008
Heartache
Posted by kara jayne at 1:27 PM
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21 comments:
My heart was breaking with yours and hers as I read your story. There are no words that bring comfort in those times, and the question why rings through our minds. Infertility runs in my family, so it is extremely hard to see so many unwanted pregnancies in the world when you have someone so close to you who would give everything for that chance. We can only pray that the Heavenly Father's arms will be wrapped around her and her husband until they can find peace. In the eternities perhaps all of our why's will be answered, but as I have found that here in mortality the answers to those kinds of questions are hard to come by. I don't know that it will help you, but I thought I would share my scripture that I cling to in hard times, "Be still and know that I am God".
We had an adoption fall through the night we went to pick up the baby. We had the carseat in the car, the nursery... everything.
It was so hard at the time, but now, looking back-- we can see God's hand in everything. We wouldn't have our Jaxon had that adoption gone through...
I am so sorry for your friend. I know the desperation and hopelessness you can feel when you want a child so much. But, things will get better, and someday, when she holds her baby, this will all be a distant memory.
I'm so so sad for them. It just doesn't seem fair but what Shally said is so true. Just be a good friend to her! Let her talk to you all about it when she's ready.
so sorry kara....that is truly hearbreak. i will be keeping her in my prayers!
One of the strongest aspects of my testimony is trusting HF to know what's best for us, but stuff like that makes you go, "Really?!"
This is one of things that will be nice in heaven to get an explanation for, you know?
that seems unfairly cruel. Stories like that remind me to be grateful that I am able to bear children.
My heart aches and that is secertly my fear (and others like it) of what could happen to us, we have been approved for adoption and that would just break my heart if it were to happen, but as others have said, the Lord knows all and this was for some reason, some experience for them. I in no way am saying mine compares but ours is we paid all the money went through all the paperwork etc...got approved and were on the waiting list for six months, then I had some major health issues and am unable to adopt now, so why go through that all in the first place if we aren't going to be able to adopt? I grew up convincing myself that even though I want to be a mom more than anything else in this world it just wasn't going to happen, then slowly it started too and I actually started to think it would. Everything happens for our experience. Just keep praying for her. I will too.
I could feel the love you have for your friend as I read this and I'm sure she feels it too. That alone will help her through it. I have a lump in my throat because I am sad for your friend but also touched by the love you have for her. It seems so unfair that some people get struck with constant bad luck, but really if we were able to see the big picture we may realize that it wasn't necessarily "bad" after all. But I know that doesn't help much in the moment.
Sending love and positive energy to your friend now!
I am so sorry Kara for your friends loss. I have known a couple of people that have lost their children and as a friend it is heartbreaking to see them go through the unimaginable pain and then as a friend to want to help and be there but feel so helpless. We will add her family to our prayers.
Kara, I'm so sorry for your friend. I have not experienced a loss like that and so can't even imagine what they are feeling. I do have faith, however, that everything will eventually work out. Just like that great quote by Pres. Hinckley: "It all works out. Don't worry...Put your trust in God and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us..."
In the meantime I'm sure she is so grateful for friends like you.
After reading this and the 99 balloons post, I am a wreck! So, so, so very sorry for your friend.
I'm soooo sorry for your friend. My brother and his wife went through several few birth parents who changed their mind days before the child was supposed to be placed with them. Such a tough tough process. I can't even imagine what your friend is going through. Good thing they have such wonderful friends like YOU for support.
Kara!
I am so sadden by this news. I don't even know what to say. We can just keep them in our prayers and rally in support of them. I will send her a card instead of calling at this time. That just truly breaks my heart. They are two of the most deserving people I know. Thanks for the update.
oh, kara. i cannot even imagine. sometimes i can get super negative, and then situtions like this remind me of how easy and grief-free my life really is. i will be praying for your friend.
Sometimes it is so hard to understand why things happen. I am so sorry for you and for your friend. I know it must be hard to see someone you love suffer.
I have been looking over your blog and think it is wonderful and so inspiring. Thanks for sharing!
Kara,
I have been thinking about your post for a couple of days.
I just kept thinking about how I felt when my babies were in the hospital. I was a mess. I didn't really want to tell another excited person that my kids weren't thriving.
But their were a few people that knew us well and let us know that they were with us by email or they just kept trying to help even when we thought that we didn't want to talk to or see anyone. But seeing those emails, getting those phone messages or having people just come over ended up meaning so much to us. And looking back on it all now I feel so much closer to those people. I don't exactly know how to say this but it's one of those moments/ opportunities to be there for someone that you can't get back. You are one of the people indelibly imprinted on my mind from that time as someone who was there for us.
I use to think that I would just try to do something or contact a person after things have calmed down, but now I realize that it's better to be there when they really need you. Even if that means just emailing and making phone calls. Being there is being there no matter the form.
It just doesn't seem fair when you hear about things like that happening. It's also hard to have faith and understanding in why it is occuring.
I am so sorry for your friend. Hopefully she will have the courage to eventually try again.
What can you really say to someone that has been through something like that? Nothing. Just be there to listen or to just hold her and let her cry. She will be in my prayers.
So sorry.
Oh my, I feel so heartsick for them. I can't even imagine how it would feel, I agree with Jules, they are such deserving people. I will keep them in my prayers.
My heart is aching as I read this. Rich's sister had the exact same thing happen 6 years ago. She is unable to have children because of a serious heart condition and just a week before baby girl Haley was to be delivered, she was stillborn. It was two weeks before Christmas. We were devestated. It was one of the hardest things I have seen someone go through.
Looking back on it now, through the pain and tears, joy soon followed as they adopted a baby boy that April and later a baby girl 5 years later. But it never quite takes all the hurt away.
My prayers will be with her. I'm so sorry.
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