Like everyone out there I have some talents and some faults (many for me). In one case however, I think the two intersect.
Gratefully I was raised to be confident, decisive, and not easily offended. I always felt like my voice mattered and that it was OK to give an opinion. I never associated an opinion with the worth of an individual. Therefore, I gave my opinions freely thinking that it was good communication and meaningful discussion. I actually also like to give alternate opinions (playing devil's advocate) for the sake of deeper thinking and give & take. If someone did things differently, or had a different opinion...great! Like I said, I don't like people based on if they think the same way as I do. I like people based on their authenticity. I like people who are REAL and true to themselves...whoever they may be.
That said, I have learned throughout the years that not everyone sees my opinions as "great discussion tools". I have been informed that I can come off as a "know it all", or as someone who has offended others. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm not very good with words either. I have a hard time getting out what I really mean. That is why I am so grateful for friends that see through that. (This is the topic of one of my drafted posts...coming soon)
Back to why I have been "afraid" to post some of my thoughts. Because of some bad experiences with this part of my personality in the past...and present...I have now gone a little overboard and worried so much about if I'm choosing the right words and not offending anyone. IT'S EXHAUSTING!
After several talks with my sister Heather, my mother-in law (who has ALWAYS encouraged me to be who I am...and loved me for it), and recently with my great friend Sally, I have decided I'm at a stage now where I can't be concerned with the insecurities of others...because that's where being offended comes from. Believe me...I have plenty of insecurities, but I need to work on those, and not worry about others.
(David A. Bednar, "And Nothing Shall Offend Them," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 90)
So, like my brother Brian (who REALLY needs to start a blog...he is one of my siblings that was blessed with "a way with words") says:
IT'S MY BLOG AND I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT TO!!
Feel free to disagree with any of my statements, but BE NICE. It's America people and we have been given agency by our creator. HALLELUJAH! So, if anything I say offends you...I'm sorry...but it doesn't mean I don't think your wonderful...it just means that's what I think. Besides, I'm not talking about YOU...I'm talking about ME!
I'll end with something that I heard Maria Shriver say yesterday on Oprah. (thanks to Tivo and unfolded laundry) I could do a whole post on that show by the way. It was meant for me...and I LOVE Maria Shriver. She said,
"As long as I was trying to anticipate what you wanted from me, as long as I was trying to fulfill other people's expectations, I was in a losing game, a game that I'd been playing since I was a kid," she said. "That's what I want to focus on this morning … letting go of other people's expectations of you so you can own your own life, write your own story and live your own legacy."
That's what I'm trying to do. So, from here on out what you get is ME...like it or not!
21 comments:
I love this post. I grew up being entirely afraid to say what I was thinking because I didn't want people to disagree with me. But now I'm more comfortable with who I am and I've realized that disagreeing doesn't mean anything other than that--a disagreement. I'm excited to see what you post about!
I, too, have three drafts in my inbox. I haven't posted them for fear o what others will comment. I don't have thick skin, and I have a feeling this will tick people off. ( I basically wrote about an experience I had that made me know with total asurrety (sp!) that I made the right decision being a stay at home mother.) I don't want to offend anyone that made a different choice, but I feel what I feel and know what I know. So, maybe I will post it after all. Thanks!
PS... I got what you were saying in regards to Anna. I know she didn't do it because she never lies and is amazing with children, even her own siblings. Had there been even a doubt in my mind, I would have still done the same thing, though. No lady has the right to talk to a child in that way.
FINALLY! Another confirmation that it's ok to be on my soapbox if I want to. It is my blog and I can say whatever the heck I want to. I'm with you all the way. If people get offended then it is their choice to not read anymore right?!? It's a big load off knowing that you don't have to please EVERYONE right? Being true to yourself is something EVERYONE needs to be accountable for in my opinion.
You are my inspiration. I think I have told you that before but it is so true. I am constantly second guessing things that I say to people and worrying that I have offended. I am not easily offended, but worry that I offend people with my words. Reading this made me feel a lot better about what comes out of my mouth. Thank You!
Good for you! This is your blog and a way for your posterity to KNOW YOU some day. Not the you your audience wants. Keep writing.
awesome! i wouldn't want it any other way from you. so, from someone who has often been accused of being the same loud mouthed know it all, i'm so glad to hear all of your uncensored thoughts, and i can't wait for those posts that are sitting in your drafts box.
I have an inbox full of drafts as well, but not all because I'm worried about offending. Mostly because I just haven't gotten around to finishing them, but don't want to forget the thought, so I jot it down.
I happen to think you're amazing and love that you are so real!!!
I like it! From one person who is bad with words to another who claims to be: Congratulations on your new found freedom. Enjoy every beautiful moment of it.
Jodi in Utah
Good for you. I'm a total chicken. Total. I will love learning from you.
This is a beautiful entry. I too am guilty of worrying too much about what I say and how it offends people. But I loved it when you said that you needed to worry about your own insecurities and not about offending others. I appreciate that insight!
I will look forward to lots more posts about what you want to say when you want to say it!
Oh Kara-
You have no idea how much I relate to this!! I also have a "problem" with sharing my opinion freely...
I have been in the middle of DRAMA over people getting offended by silly things. GET OVER IT. Life is to short to be offended.
Love Elder Bednar's quote. I want to print it out and put in on people's doors... :)
I loved this post!!!! I started two comments and they were so long that I decided not to take over the whole page here. All I really want to say is we need more "confident" women these days as examples to our girls growing up. Being offended IS a choice and something that we need to teach our children. Neighborhoods, church, schools would all function a lot smoother if we all gave each other a break and just tried to understand where we were all coming from without having expectations from each other. We will all stick our foot in our mouth at one time...we are human, but if we truly stopped judging each other and stopped "looking" for each others faults....wow what a burden that would be lifted off our shoulders.
perhaps I made no sense.....I tend to jumble my words and put my foot in my mouth! Oh well....just know I loved the post!
I too watched Maria Shriver and that same quote stuck in my mind...something to live by for sure!
Truthfully, I've never known you to be offensive through your blog, so I was surprised that you felt this way. I, too, have edited some posts "for the audience", when in truth, I am doing the blog as a sort of online journal that I will later make into a book for me and my family.
I missed that Oprah - I catch her in bits and spurts - maybe the Shriver one would have been a good one!
Kara,
I LOVE that quote. Many times during my years of teaching Gospel Doctrine, I needed that clearly posted for all to see. I appreciated open discussions. Where everyone's opinions were valid and respected......and no one left feeling offended.
Nothing bothers me more than people that say one thing to me and think another. I am, and always have been, a proponent of "tell me the truth and I'll appreciate it, lie to me and I'll learn you can't be trusted".
I remember in elementary school being so bugged by the girls that ran around saying "do you like my picture, I think it is ugly" just so people would say otherwise. I was known to tell them it was ugly, if I thought it was.
Now looking back, I can see that they were just insecure and desperately seeking validation.
I see those same girls, now as adults, still doing the same thing. Still feeling insecure, still constantly being offended.
That being said, just because I appreciate COMPLETE honesty in others does not mean all people believe this is a noble trait. I think, like you, that I may come "too strong" for some people.
I have found that I seek out other "true" people so I know who to go to when I want a "real" opinion on something important to me. I also know that those around me know that if I give a compliment or an opinion, I mean it. No false flattery here.
However, I also learn so much from my more sensitive friends. They teach me to be more receptive to others needs and feelings.
I hope you will record how you "really" feel.
I promise to comment with how I "really" feel.
Hallelujah!
Hi Kara,
I met you a few times a long time ago. I met Julie at Rick's and Lane in Provo. Not sure if you remember me but I remember you were this beautiful smart girl and admired you.
So, HI!
I have been thinking about this very topic alot. I too have strong opinions and haven't been sure how much to write on my blog because I am a Democrat and pretty liberal on most issues AND no longer a member of the Church. The fact that all of my friends on blogger are LDS conservatives I wonder if I should be sensitive to the people who read my blog. For instance, I did a post about snippets in the media and then one about the polygamous raid in Texas (where I clearly and passionately stated my views on polygamy) and my sister told me I went too far and have been offensive. So I edited some parts out but felt discouraged that if I am truly myself I will lose readers and possible friends. I made comments on Lane's blog that I now regret because I feel like it may have been out of line for me to comment when I clearly have a very different point of view. I was thinking it was a good thing because I want to try to understand others and LOVE intellectual discussion and debate. But then I realized that maybe some people don't and may feel I am attacking their beliefs.
Anyway, I've decided to be myself on my blog and honest. If people stop visiting and commenting well, it'll make me sad but not as sad as feeling like I can't be real.
SO- I say YES! Please be you and post whatever you want. It'll put me to the test since I think I am very open-minded and surely you have many views opposite mine. But I still don't mind reading things I don't agree with. It keeps me informed and reminds me that no matter what beliefs or opinions we embrace most of us want the same things and have more in common than our differences. We are all good people. So you don't have to worry about offending me (not that it matters because you don't know me anyway!) I am only sensitive to hatefulness, not arguments.
Well, sorry to write a novel on your blog.
Kara, I think you are way too good be so worried about offending others. Your comments aren't malicious, but instead thought provoking. I love reading your blog and engaging in conversation--so I can't wait to hear and read the "unleashed" Kara :)! Hey--and hope you didn't mind me using the sumo pic of you! I still need to get those pictures to you...it's only been at least 6 months!
I love everything that comes out of your mouth. Because I love you. And I too, have over examined what I say. I am going to quit that. And just do my best everyday in all that I do and say! (maybe I should make that into a song!)
I like it! Say what you want and own it!
As you know I too share my opinion way too freely, apparently I though unlike you am missing that little filter/alarm that buzzez when I have crossed the line with my opinion and enterred socially awkward land. My "opinions" rarely allign with popular opinion and I too struggle with big headaches as I flip flop back and forth between feeling that wonderful freedom that comes with being yourself and the awkward stress of analyzing previous comments that have caused an offense. I haveca headache just talking about it. I have always admired your carefull way of writing it's real yet very appropriate. I know how you feel yet have to burst your bubble and tell you that you are a fabulous writer. Thank you for being you!
I am constantly surprised by people and how often I underestimate their ability to understand me. I feel like anyone who knows you knows how good your heart is. Bring on anything you feel like because we can take it!
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