I'm at a loss.
I am finally starting to realize that perhaps life is not about getting through something so that it becomes easier, but that it is about getting through something so that you are ready for the next thing that will inevitably come your way. (how ya like that run-on?)
For a couple of years now I have been wishing I had a "family plan" of sorts. Kind of like a users manual for how we want our home life to run. I have actually scoured bookstores, Internet, etc. to see if there is some sort of guide on how to create your own family plan. Perhaps I'm not making sense. Here is what I mean.
I want to be able to sit down with Paul and decide things once and for all like:
- what days can we count on to sit down for dinner together
- monthly meeting with kids
- allowance
- consequences
- what are our Sunday rules
- T.V. time/electronics rules
- Saturday plan
- yadda
- yadda
- yadda
I feel stuck.
I feel like I am just winging it every day and reacting to everything instead of guiding things. I know it is not productive for our family, and not leading us to the place I want us to be. There are some things that I'm sure would help. I look at how organized the church is and I realize that if we had a plan...things we have decided...things to count on, then we would know just what was on the agenda.
I want to be effective and I want to enjoy the ride as much as possible. I'm drowning in all that I need to organize and accomplish before I feel like I could even develop a plan let alone implement it. Am I making any sense, or has my teetering on the edge of sanity finally turned to a free-fall? Any suggestions? Anyone else ever felt this way? What have you done?
HELP!!
16 comments:
Hey Kara, I'm with you 100%. I completely have the same feelings. But a while ago I came to the same conclusion you said in your first sentence...each phase is getting us ready for the next. I used to think that once I got my "babies" grown up a couple years things would get easier. But they don't. They just get harder. Now instead of the physically exhausting things of carrying around a bunch of toddlers (although I still do that...) there's all the emotionally exhausting things of raising older kids. Their decisions are so much more important now and I want even more to be there for them, to influence them in the right way, to make sure they find good friends who influence them right, to make sure they know to be leaders for the right, and that they understand and feel the Spirit, and on and on. And my kids are still young. I'm sure it gets even tougher from here on out. But the things you listed can make all the difference in not feeling so overwhelmed. I'm working on being better at them. My dad actually wrote a great book called "Lifebalance." Maybe I need to read it again. Because he's one of the most balanced people I know, and I feel like he was always there for us when we needed him. He always had a plan. Lifetime goals, monthly goals, weekly goals, and they all had specifics for different areas in life. It's really a simple plan in reality, but I think like you said the tough thing is being able to take a step back to breathe long enough to figure out what the plan is.
I guess it's just a continual journey. I'm sure I'd be completely unable to handle anything in my life right now if I hadn't gone through the tough things that have gotten me to here, and I'm sure the troubles coming up in the future will be better because of the experience I'm gaining right now. I'm completely rambling but I'm curious to see what you come up with because I think every mom needs and wants "the plan."
1. Making sense
2. Nooooo
3. Yes
4. Barely survived.
I'm glad you have Shawni. She seems a little more together than me.
My plan--return and live with Heavenly Father as a family. Everything else evolves a little too day to day.
been there, still there, going to read what shawni has to say. good luck friend and let me know when you figure it out. :)
Kara! I know just what you mean! I want to have STRUCTURE. So just a week ago I started reading this amazing book: "The Parenting Breakthrough" by Merilee Boyack. She's an lds author, which helps that she's coming from our perspective, and in her introduction she actually says she wanted to start parenting with a plan.
JUST WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR! This book is really great & an easy, quick read. She addresses it all--from daily structure to teaching long-term skills. Right now I'm just implementing what I need to get a grip on the weekly structure, chores, etc., but I'll add concepts as I get a handle on the basics.
I seriously LOVE this book. It's at deseret book, but you can order it on amazon. Let me know what you think!
(if you forgot...I found you on Sue's blog--she used to be in my neighborhood--and also on Wendi's)
man, i love shawni. now i've gotta go find that book.
I think you develop your plan as you go along. For instance, I love love those shows on TLC where the families have like 12 or more kids and I seriously covet their structure and their sheer tenacity to stick to routine and family life. I remember one of the kids of those programs commenting that it was funny to see home movies of his parents when they "only" had 4 or 5 kids because they seemed so young and inexperienced.
That told me that those parents, who now manage households of 12+ people kind of figured it out along the way and hit their stride a little later on.
So going back to my previous comment, you kind of figure it out along the way. Like you say to yourself, "I'm not happy with our family dinner plan" - so you figure out a routine, test it out, modify, and the implement until it become ritual. You say, "I'm not happy with our Sundays together" so you come up with another game plan, test it out, see what works, and implement that. And keep building from there.
I've been a parent as long as you (my oldest is 8 yrs old too) but I only have two kids, but I have found that has been my best system when I feel like I need to develop our family routine and structure. It is kind of like - fix what is broken.
So that is my 2 cents!!
Kara,
I have found that the more tense I allow myself to become about rules, structure, etc., the more I turn off my helper's (my husband, and the spirit). So I have found over the last couple days really to wait till the ideas come. Try to live in a way so that the spirit can help and wait till the timing is right for each task, job planning, chore chart, what have you. Let the holy spirit guide.
I get a lot of anxiety fast over the whole order thing. I try and force ideas before the whole group is ready. So I guess when you are in a family situation you grow as a whole. Which seems SLLOOOOWW at the beginning. As I have held back when I feel like something needs to happen now. Matt has stepped in with brilliant ideas I would have never come up with. I don't know if this was any help at all. Good Luck.
Amen to the winging it everyday. There has got to be a better way. I feel like by the time I am showered and breakfast is cleaned up beds made etc it is time to make lunch. Then all of the sudden the kids are home from school and it is crazy to get dinner ready and be the homework helper. On Monday night after dinner I am wishing I had some amazing FHE prepared with colored visual aides and a great homemade game. I think surely other families are doing that right now and what is wrong with me? I barley got dinner on the table and homework done. Then it is off to bathe the kids and clean up dinner. all of that is done by 8:30 and sometimes 9pm and I am so tired. I didn't do anything amazing or clean out any closets just feed, bathe, get homework done. Sometimes I feel like that is all I do and not very efficiently. For those of you who have a great schedule or routine I think many of us would love to hear. I hope that it does not involve waking up before 4:30 am. If so I am not interested :).
Some of our rules are.
1.No TV or video games Monday through Thursday. Even if homework is done. That one is great. The little ones can watch while the big kids are gone. just the school age ones can't.
2. Allowance /Chores etc. We have done an elaborate spreadsheet with chores and money values atached to each task etc. That lasted 3 months. Good experience but way too involved. Not realistic for us to keep up. Anne is in dishwashing training. She does it with one of us everynight until she has it down. Sam is in lawn mowing training. Saturday morning we make lists together, and do them together. Each Sat. is a little different. Sometimes it is great other times it would just be easier to do it myself.
3. We just started interviews with the kids on Fast Sundays. Paul has a list of questions that he asks them. We forgot last month. WE do it when we remember.
I figure everything is trial and error. We are great with scriptures for awhile and then that time doesn't work and we try something new. I struggle with making good dinners on time. When do you do the prep work for a great dinner during the week?
CB
Cheryl-
That is an awesome book and I've read it a few times. It really is helpful for chores and other ideas. I guess I just need to be better about implementing it and adding to it! Thanks for the reminder.
Kara
Loved your post. You are totally not alone! i feel like I am drowning 24/7! Trying to stick with our plans of FHE, Family prayer, scripture reading, chores etccccc. It is a constant battle. I crave structure and can never can seem to figure out a way to implement it. I am going to go get that book. I think it is all about consistancy--easier said the done-for sure!!!
Aren't we all just winging it? If someone claims they have it down, I'd have to call them a liar. Not that I don't think there's plenty of people out there that have found a few things that work well for them and their family but, they aren't you, and they haven't raised an Ella, Jack, Max and Nora, just like no one has ever raised a Romey, Crew or Ty.
I have to color outside the lines, and as much as I wish I could be structured it just doesn't work for me. You know why? Because I have kids. There are things in my life that I can control like planning meals, organizing my food storage, cleaning out my closets, and yes actually controlling how much I'm going to enjoy the ride. I find the most enjoyable things in life, are rarely the ones that are planned.
I think having a plan doesn't necessarily mean it has to be typed out on a piece of paper. You and Paul know what you want for your family. Your kids know it through your example and the small teaching moments that come along. Your going to church, your having FHE, and your saying prayers together. Yes, you can add to those things as they grow and it becomes more feasible, but for right now I think your doing great to get those few things into your everyday life.
How boring would life be if everyone marched to the beat of my drum? So for me, I'm not going to get frustrated that everythings not going according to my plan because, I don't know what tomorrow holds for me. I can guarantee that my kids will do something tomorrow that I don't plan on. So for right now, I'm o.k. winging it. I'm still learning and I'll actually never stop.
As long as I have the big picture always in view and I'm working towards it, I hope everything will turn out just fine. That doesn't mean it will turn out the way I've planned, just that it will turn out fine. Just like I know it will for you.
Brandon Said,
Kara I'm in, lets book cancun next spring just avoid spring break, and the May jellyfish hatch (you don't want to know) and we are there. I would assume you can leave a 1 yr old ??
Haha--Kara, it's funny to see you write this because it seems like you have WAY more figured out than I do.
Where will I live?
When will I have kids?
What will be the next step in my career?
When will I buy a house?
At least I got "when will I get married?" checked off :). You are farther along than you think, you've already made a bunch of big decisions. You're right, the big ones just spawn a bunch more little questions. Feel good about the good choices you've made so far!
Obviously I have no idea about this stuff yet...but now I'm scared! When you find a good plan, let me know!
Kara, I"m so glad you took the time to write about what it is you want. It all has to start with a thought, right? Like so many of the other comments, I completely feel the same way! Brian and I have been reading "7 habits of highly effective families". It's nice to do it WITH him. Do you have a family mission statement?
On another subject, do you recommend any particular running shoes? I have been running so much lately, and I know I need new shoes.
by the way, I appreciate your thoughts on Oprah. I feel the same way about her. So many politicians I find put so much responsibility on the government to make lives better and help people get more money. I'm all about personal responsibility and helping people realize that to have more money (as well as more satisfaction) they have to create more value, as dollars follow value! Anyway, I would enjoy hearing your thoughts, even if they do become political!!
Kara, I"m so glad you took the time to write about what it is you want. It all has to start with a thought, right? Like so many of the other comments, I completely feel the same way! Brian and I have been reading "7 habits of highly effective families". It's nice to do it WITH him. Do you have a family mission statement?
On another subject, do you recommend any particular running shoes? I have been running so much lately, and I know I need new shoes.
by the way, I appreciate your thoughts on Oprah. I feel the same way about her. So many politicians I find put so much responsibility on the government to make lives better and help people get more money. I'm all about personal responsibility and helping people realize that to have more money (as well as more satisfaction) they have to create more value, as dollars follow value! Anyway, I would enjoy hearing your thoughts, even if they do become political!!
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